Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize