I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize