you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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