Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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