tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Where are you guys?
Drunk
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