So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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