Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
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