I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
