Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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