Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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