I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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