He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
