the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
