how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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