I feel great
I just peed on a car
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
