She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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