i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
