I was born with a shot glass in my hand
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
