I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
