hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
