I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
