you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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