After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
