How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
