Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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