This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
