my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
