Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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