The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
