I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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