The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
