your parents love me but you hate me
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
