i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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