I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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