I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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