The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
This toilet bowl is my home.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize