i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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