do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
