Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
