I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Of course I have a pirate flag
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
