he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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