dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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