When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
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