your parents love me but you hate me
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
