you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
When are your genitals available?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
