you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
There was a lot of him and a little penis
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
