I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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