PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Randomize
