textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
