Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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