I think I am morally bankrupt
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
