Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
