That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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