I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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