I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
