just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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