I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize