Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
